WONDERING LEAVING THE SEA BEHIND

I arrive by bus in China Town, New York. Take the subway to Time Square. The screens on the buildings are overwhelming. I forget the weight of my bag, I forget about myself. Maybe a big city is about that. I take pictures with my new digital camera, trying to capture some of the images from the screens but when the camera shoots the image I wanted has already gone. Maybe this could be a good metaphor for the speedy environment of a mega-city like this one. I feel a tourist taking these pictures. Usually I feel like a traveler what’s different from being a tourist. But here is like I already know this city, probably because of all the films I saw set in NY. I don’t know if it is because of that, but I can’t feel the enthusiasm, the magical feeling of discovery. That’s a strange feeling, a feeling of ‘deja-vu’. At the same that I feel so LOST, without a true motivation to wonder, without being able to stick any direction or decision. I wanted to do so many things here. I brought my video camera, my digital camera to take photos, my laptop, all the chargers, a book and this note book. I ended not to do much. Too tired by carrying the bag ? Or just lost because I can’t find any point of view for this chaos ? I don’t know what to choose to shoot with my video camera. I just can’t choose… How disarming is this feeling. I always felt I needed to know well a place before shooting and I always needed to have a bigger goal – like creating a new context or meaning, to set a scene or a character. Have an objective and find a meaning, that’s maybe the key. The city is huge and I’m without guidance. Lost, feeling homeless in NY. I met people, I even talked in Portuguese, but this feeling didn’t disappear. Museums, galleries, coffee shops as homes. I saw some exhibitions, nothing too exciting. Even that is disappointing. I’m searching for something new. And I thought NY should be the place for that. But that’s not easy to find. I feel that struggle everyday in my work. How to create a new perspective, a new subjectivity, a new layer for this complex reality that surround us ? The key, I guess, is to find the ‘true heart’ of things and of ourselves. How can I find the ‘true heart’ of this city ? After several hours walking I stop in this coffee shop in the gay area of Chelsea. Before, I was doing a sort of a game: I’ll walk until I find a park to seat down and rest for a while. But I didn’t find any park, any tree, any bench to stop. Just long, long streets. My feet, my legs, my back, my shoulders were in pain. Exhausted, I seat here having a European cafe expresso, looking through the window to people passing by. To stop is the only way to look at people -- to understand the movement we must be still. Then I decide to go out again. No particular place to go, just keep going… Again on the street I decide to go walking to China Town to get the bus back to Philadelphia. Walking, wondering, keep going. After more 5 hours walking I finally find a park. Washington Square. My bag seems lighter now, like I did push the limits of endurance. I lay down in a bench of the park. The sun is shinning and there’s many people around. I think about the homeless people who usually choose parks to sleep and for some reason I feel home here, with the sun in my face, the music in my ears saying

Wondering leaving the sea behind
To my home which everybody owns
Wondering, wondering
Where we can do what we please
Wondering

I feel like a thousand years have passed
I'm younger than i used to be
I feel like the world is my home at last
I know everyone that i meet

I really like this song and I do feel that “the world is my home at last”

In the end of the trip, China Town again. 2 days has past. It should be a special day because every one is marrying. There’s so many young and beautiful young women dressed in white, smiling, full of hope. It seems almost unreal.